How to Make a Perfect Ass of Yourself!
And now for something completely different.
Under the heading of ‘Trivia you didn’t know or care about’, the answer would be: Big ass-ets.
The question would be: What is fast becoming the most requested plastic surgery procedure in the country?
That is correct. I kid you not! Outrageously out-sized, out-standing, out-of-control, Kardashian/Lopez type backsides are actually, incredibly, envied and sought after. And bought and paid for.
Yes, today, it’s all about the ass. And, of course, bigger is better.
Now, while I am fully cognizant of the desolate socio-politico landscape and the plight of the disappearing middle class, I believe a development of this, um, magnitude, deserves a short break from harsh reality in order to take a leisurely stroll through beyond belief and surreal.
Butt, surreal does not mean unreal. While it is difficult to believe – big, bigger, biggest boobies are so yesterday. Yawn.
Face lifts? Double yawn.
What are people spending their hard earned money on these days? These days, they like big butts, and they cannot lie..
When I was once again able to think cognitively after such a mind numbing revelation, I reached the inescapable conclusion that these poor bubble-butt-loving souls have clearly never heard of two scientific givens: 1) The bigger they are the harder they fall, and 2) What goes up must come down.
Even if surgically implanted.
Excuse the pun, but, keeping it up will prove all butt impossible. It has no choice but to follow the laws of nature, which lead unwaveringly south. It’s only a question of time and gravitational pull.
And muscle mass.
Here are some tried and true methods for developing hiney muscle mass the old fashioned way – free, not easy – no matter how flat and hopeless an endeavor you feel it to be. It is a guarantee that by working the gluteus minimus and the gluteus medius, you can develop the gluteus maximus of your dreams!
There is only one rule: make it hurt. No pain, no gain. Believe it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you and probably already has or will shortly be asking you for money. Here we go.
Wall Squats: Until failure, and then 5 more. Do three sets like this. When you exceed 12 per set easily – add hand weights incrementally. Make it hurt.
Standing Squats: Feet shoulder width, toes forward – until failure, and then 5 more. Do three sets like this. When you easily exceed 12 per set, add hand weights incrementally. Feet wider, toes pointing out: repeat. Make it hurt.
Fire Hydrants: On hands and knees. Lifting and extending one leg at a time sideways, with control – until failure, and then 5 more. Do three sets on each leg. When you easily exceed 12 per set, add ankle weights incrementally. Make it hurt.
Make it hurt three times a week, and that’s it, that’s all!
Now go ahead – make a perfect ass of yourself!
Please excuse this short interruption from the bleak and desolate into the stupid and surreal. We now return you to your regularly scheduled chaos and insanity.
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